I'd only have to blow and everything would be shadow
by Amako-sama
Summary: (after all it's a story of loss and love and forgiveness and hope)


Nara Shikaoi is born on the day Uzumaki Naruto dies.

* * *

(after all it's a story of loss and love and forgiveness and hope)

* * *

The surgery starts at dawn, when Naruto stumbles into the hospital with a gaping hole in his chest. His heart is beating in his right hand, linked to his body by a roaring fire of orange chakra. His left hand is missing. So is half of his ribs and his right calf, but that's not the most concerning at the time.

Sakura has him laid down on a table before a sentence can even escape his mouth. She goes into labour an hour later. The baby isn't due for another month and she doesn't know if she should be terrified for the life of her best friend that she can feel slip between her fingers, or the life of her baby. In the end, she settles for neither and asks for the best Konoha has to offer in terms of medics.

To the three who come first, she asks: put the lower half of my body in stasis. She asks: do whatever you want, but I can't give birth right now.

And when they can't stop the stasis and also freeze her chest, she asks: one of you need to help me stay seated. And so they help.

To the four next, she orders: Naruto won't die. She orders: bring me a group of jōnin, I need chakra. She orders: someone warns the Hokage. No one points out that the Hokage is lying on the table and they go look for Kakashi.

Kurenai, Ibiki, Genma, Shibi and Chōza all show up in the room and put hands on Sakura, feeding her the chakra she so desperately needs. Kakashi hovers in the hallway, never coming too close to the room.

After nine hours of surgery, the stasis breaks. Crushed under waves after waves of exhaustion, pain, panic, fearfearfear- Sakura passes out.

When she wakes up, the following morning, there is a hole in her stomach, where her baby used to be. Shikaoi is nested in his father's arms, right next to her. Then she learns about Naruto, and there is a hole the shape of her best friend in her heart.

Sakura and Shikamaru are amongst the last of their friends to have kids. It means two things: endless teasing and easy babysitting. They can cash in years of favours and hours spent watching over their promotion's offspring. They sorely need it.

The first year is the hardest. Kakashi is appointed Hokage again and Naruto's face on the mountain is a painful reminder of what was lost. Sasuke disappears again and no one goes looking after him this time. He is put on endless leave to avoid becoming a deserter but there isn't a soul in the village who expects him to come back this time.

Sakura tries not to feel torn in half when he leaves. She fails.

Shikamaru is appointed Jōnin Commander and Kakashi picks Shino as advisor. Life goes on.

Until:

"I'm home!"

"Welcome back, Sakura."

Shikamaru is rolled up in a thousand blankets, buried to the waist under the warm kotatsu. Shikaoi is bringing him cup after cup of tea, his little legs wobbling under him. Ino just left after an afternoon officially spent looking after the baby (her teammate is the biggest baby of the two, of course).

Sakura leaves her boots by the door and quietly steps in the living room. She kisses her husband on the forehead and kneels just in time to catch her son who runs into her arms.

"How is my poor patient doing?"

"He drank looots of tea, like you said," Shikaoi beams, pointing to the pile of cups.

"I can see that," she chuckles. "Thank you for taking care of him while I was gone."

The child nods, his pink ponytail moving in synch. He might have inherited his mother's colouring, but it's obvious in everything but his hair and eyes that he's a Nara. He has the chin, the nose, the ears, the bored look and the genius. She's not counting the naps right now, because he's still little, but she fears it might be an habit he'll never break.

"Can you go with Shikaichi for a bit? Tō-san and I need to talk."

Shikaoi smiles again and runs out of the room, calling for his cousin. Shikamaru opens his feverish eyes, still silent, and waits for her to sit down next to him. She takes the time to fuss with the blankets, making sure he's comfortable, and fills another cup with the almost-empty teapot.

"I was summoned by the Hokage today," she starts, never looking up from the teapot. "Not as Nara Sakura."

"As Hound?" Shikamaru rasps, his voice failing him.

"Yes. He named me ANBU Commander. I have a seat at the Council and my main task is to get ROOT to work again."

"That's a lot of work, Sakura."

"I know," she sighs, dropping her head on his shoulder. He worms a hand out of the blankets and takes her, gently caressing her palm. "I don't want to disappoint him. Imagine what we could be if ROOT operatives were actually doing the job they were intended to do in the beginning! We could have the best intelligence in the Alliance."

"You sound like my dad," he huffs, slowly raising to his feet.

Sakura quickly gets up to help him, and they make their way to the bedroom. They don't talk, but there is silent discussion taking place in the traditional house. The rice paper shivers with the wind passing through the open garden in the middle of the house. When Shikamaru is laid down on the futon and Sakura kneels by his side, he speaks again.

"I just want to be sure you know what you're doing. Being ANBU never was your dream, and becoming Commander is on a whole new level."

"You know very well why I'm doing this, Shikamaru," she growls, her voice breaking at his name.

"I know why. It doesn't mean I have to understand or like it. I love you, troublesome woman. Don't forget that when you accept risky positions and make me worry."

She sighs and bows until her cheek is pressed against his heart. She stays there for a bit, following the rise and fall of his chest. His fever is getting better and she's sure he'll be fine in a day or two. She hates being away when he's sick, but ANBU missions are long and often unexpected, which means coming back to a sick husband or a silent household a little more than she'd like.

"I love you, too. With all my heart. Don't you dare forget it either, my lazy husband."

He chuckles and a pleased smile brightens his features. Neither of them comment on her phrasing. They both know very well that two pieces of her heart are missing, but she's not lying when she says that everything left is for him and their son.

* * *

At first nothing really changes. Sakura was already gone for weeks at a time before, so it's not surprising anymore to go home without her. Shikaoi spends a lot of time with his cousin and grand-mother, self-proclaimed official babysitters of the Nara heir.

Ino joins the squad when her own son is old enough for the academy and doesn't need her all day. With the kunoichi course changed into a gender-neutral class to help all the future shinobi deal with those kind of missions, Ino has found a new hobby. She teaches her friends' children makeup and table manners, the tea ceremony and how to dance with fans. Shikaoi isn't the only one who's a bit in love with the blond Head of T&I.

The absence of Sakura is a painful missing piece in the puzzle of their family and what remains of the Konoha 11 doesn't comment on the obvious longing in Shikamaru's eyes. The ex-medic is all but in name the last member of Team 7 and she doesn't bear it well. The Nara Clan Head stopped expecting her home after the fifth broken promise and the second forgotten birthday. Or that's what he thought.

Because:

"I'm home!"

Sakura unties her boots next to the door and drops her grey jacket in the closet. She pushes the porcelain mask out of her face to rest on her hair and breathes in the smell of her home. After a second, she frowns. No one answered her back yet and the usual smell of incense and jasmin is hidden under a sugary scent.

After... after, she asked Kakashi to take her as his official student, and he passed the Hatake legacy onto her. She's a tracker on par with the Inuzuka now, and prides herself in her enhanced nose. Her contract with wolves was the one Hatake Sakumo used to have and that his son refused to sign. She's been Hound for five years and that's what she identifies as now.

She follows the scent of her husband to the open garden, and frowns again when she sees him sitting in the dark, under a sakura tree. It's winter and the branches are naked. She drops her mask on the wooden patio, and Shikamaru keeps his head down. She walks to him and goes on one knee in front of him. Shikamaru doesn't move.

"I'm home," she whispers, sensing that something is very wrong.

"You are," her husband replies instead of the traditional greeting. And still, he isn't looking at her.

"What is it, Shika? Did something happen?"

"Actually, yes. But I don't see how that's relevant to you."

Sakura kneels properly, the frown never leaving her face now.

"What do you mean?" And that's when Shikamaru finally looks at her. She tries not to recoil and fails, the sheer fury on his face terrifying her.

"Do you know what the date is?"

"I- I don't..."

"Of course you don't," he snaps. "Does November, 19th rings any bell? Or is it just another thing that slipped your mind?"

She freezes, a wave of nausea rushing through her body. Sakura starts shaking and tries to crouch, stumbling.

"I knew I was wrong when I let you apply for ANBU without saying anything. But you seemed more relaxed than ever, so I kept my mouth shut. I tried when Kakashi appointed you Commander, and you didn't listen. And now, look at you. You're covered in blood and guts, you have a fucking tooth in your hair and you forgot your own son's birthday. Which, need I remind you, is also the day your best friend _died_!"

She hiccups, a dry sob caught in her throat, and she watches Shikamaru rise to his feet. He's magnificent, in a formal green and black kimono, his face lit by the moon. He looks like a god of war tamed into a human body, anger storming in his black eyes.

"Shikaoi went to bed crying because he hasn't seen you in three weeks. Ino had to sing him to sleep. He doesn't sleep well and barely eats, and that's when he's normal, because I'm pretty sure he has the flu now. Did you know that he managed to climb a tree with chakra? But of course, how would you know, _Haruno Sakura_ , when you're not here for him?"

"Shikamaru, you're not being fair, I'm—"

"Fair? FAIR?"

He stops himself and takes a deep breath. She can see the chakra boiling in his muscles where he enhanced them without realizing it. Sakura feels sick. She can't believe that this is her reality, that she let it go this far.

"Don't talk to me about fairness, _wife_ ," he spits. "You haven't been fair to this family in five year."

He turns his back on her and walks to the sliding doors. Before going into the house, he looks her in the eyes one last time.

"Until you start caring for us again, you're not welcome here anymore."

She vanishes in a swirl of leaves before he can close the door.

* * *

At one in the morning, she tries coming back to the Nara Compound. A seal barrier explodes in her face and burns her forearm. She goes to the hospital and a medic heals her, never once mentioning that she could have done it three times faster while avoiding the ugly scaring now marking her skin.

At two in the morning, she tries going through the Nara forest but she hasn't set her second foot on the ground that four deers come charging at her. She leaves immediately.

At three in the morning, she finds a nice shinobi bar where no one asks questions and she orders a crate of sake. Sakura doesn't think about her mentor while she drowns herself in alcohol.

At five in the morning, she stumbles into the Hokage mansion and almost falls on Shiba before Bull slips under her arm and helps her stand up. They don't mention the alcohol scent on her or how she could have metabolised it before it made her drunk.

At ten past five in the morning, she crashes on Kakashi's couch. He looks at her for a long moment, before saying: "Ah." He doesn't add anything else.

At ten past five in the morning, Sakura screams against his chest and cries so hard she eventually throws up.

When she finally calms down, it's closer to six. She bows low to Kakashi and go look for a blank mask, since her own is still in the open garden. She hides her hair under the bandana Shikamaru gifted to her when she entered ANBU and goes back to the Nara Compound.

She grits her teeth when she sets off another trap but doesn't stop this time. She goes into Shikamaru's old house first. Yoshino is dozing in the kitchen and doesn't notice her. For the first time in five years, her hands lit up with green chakra. She's rusty but she's still the best and Yoshino doesn't even move when she does a quick check up. Sakura soothes the back pain and disappears by the window.

She closes the wound on Shikaichi's brow, heals Daen's broken toe and Ensui's sprained wrist. She removes the infection in the lungs of Kasuga's newborn daughter. She goes to the Nara shrine and kneels before the shining stones. Sakura lits an encent and prays for long minutes, eyes locked on her father-in-law's name. At last, she goes to her house.

Shikaoi's window is open. She quietly enters the room and sits by her son's futon. His face is frozen in a little frown and a flush is colouring his cheeks. She swallows, hard, before raising her hands again. The green chakra draws strange shadows on his round cheeks. The flu is gone in a matter of seconds, but she pays attention to every signal in his body, fixing every little ache and healing scratches.

Finally, she gently kisses his temple before disappearing. When she gets back to the Hokage mansion, the sun is shining bright and Kakashi is waiting for her.

"Are you done being stupid now, my cute little student?"

"I am."

"Good. Those are the papers to resign from the Commander position, these ones are a request to become an ANBU reservist and the last ones are a six-month leave request."

Sakura silently takes the leave request and the resignation papers, before stopping and putting the latter down. Kakashi raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment. She signs the five pages and give them to her teacher.

"You're officially on leave, starting now. If you could recommend someone to fill in your seat in the Council until you come back, I'd appreciate it."

"Lee's beau, I can't remember his name. He was really impressive in the last mission. I'll agree to his application for the ROOT position, it should improve his weight in the decision making."

"Thank you. Now, I believe someone is waiting for you. You wouldn't want to be late like your old sensei, would you?"

She blinks away her tears and hugs him before vanishing.

* * *

When Shikaichi comes to find him, Shikamaru expects a lot of things. He heard about the mysterious healing that took place during the night and saw it himself when his son woke up perfectly fine. The knot in his throat is getting really painful and he doesn't want to think about the ache in his heart or the guilt growling in his stomach. He was right to yell at Sakura. But banning her from her home was cruel. The jab about Naruto, too.

He follows Shikaichi to the entrance of the Compound. There is a small crowd there, except none of them is visible. Three Nara shinobi are in the trees, he can spot a couple of civilian behind a bush and children are whispering. They're all looking at the fence and he does the same.

Sakura is kneeling in the dust, her forehead on the ground. She's wearing a formal kimono with the Haruno symbol on the sleeves. Shikamaru takes a sharp breath, because that is one thing he wasn't expecting. He doesn't think anyone did this since the Warring States Period. The Clan Head slowly walks up to his wife, aware of his clansmen's eyes on him. Everyone here recognized the gesture.

Without moving, Sakura starts speaking.

"Honoured Nara Clan Head, I request permission to enter those grounds and walk amongst your people. I seek acceptance from the Nara Clan and the blessing of its shrine. I offer my skills to your people. My life is yours."

Anyone wishing to enter the Nara land before Konoha was created had to speak those words. Now it's used as vows during the wedding ceremony of the Clan Head and their spouse, but it's said hand in hand, as equals. Sakura is bowing to the ground, like foreign shinobi would have done in the Warring States Period. Because she doesn't think herself one of them anymore.

He refuses to cry, because he was the one who made her think she didn't have a clan anymore. That is the most cruel thing he could do to Sakura who always dreamed of being part of something bigger than herself and the civilian life she's from.

Her headband is nowhere to be seen and her ANBU tattoo is hidden under layer upon layer of expensive fabric. Even her hair is tied in a bun full of unpractical jewellery and pearls.

Shikamaru goes on one knee and gently puts a hand on her shoulder. She slightly rises but stays on the ground, head low and chin against her chest.

"I welcome you on Nara ground," he says, loud enough to make it clear than everyone should leave now that the official business is settled. When he can't feel anyone but them, he closes his arms around his wife and buries his head in her neck.

"Welcome back, Sakura."

(after all it's a story of loss and love and forgiveness and hope)


End file.
